Sermon from a Sick Pastor

The following was written by Tim and was sent to our folks at CBC. I wanted to share it with everyone. I hope it will be a blessing to all who read it. Tim is in good spirits and slowly gaining strength, but still experiencing weakness, fatigue, mild nausea and his taste is still not exactly right. All the kids are well for now...Stacie

Psalm 27:13, 14

Introduction:
The idea for a sermon like this came from when I was reading the biography of Charles Spurgeon, the famous English preacher of the late 1800’s. On more than one occasion he was out of the ministry due to illness. Whenever that was the case, he would use his mind to create printed sermons as a way to communicate with the congregation that God had entrusted Him to lead. One time he suffered from a bout with smallpox. It was during this time that he wrote “A Sermon from a Sick Preacher” and “How to Handle Adversity.” I intend to follow the same pattern as I recover from my stem cell replacement therapy and cancer treatments.

The text that I have chosen is Psalm 27:13, 14. In it David says, “I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.”

In this passage we see the unbreakable relationship between faith and patience. Like Jack and Jill, the two go together in the story of the Christian experience. You cannot have one without the other. The one produces the other. Together they produce courage. Faith, patience, courage- when you are facing a trial of affliction you need a good dose of each one of these.

I. Faith
First of all you will notice in your English translation that the words, “I had fainted” are in italics which mean that they are not found in the Hebrew text but were supplied by the translators for the purpose of adding sense and meaning. In the Hebrew language verse 13 is an elliptical style phrase. In other words, the writer is deliberately obscure to force the reader to “fill in the blanks.” It could read like this, “Unless I had believed to see the goodness of God in the land of the living, where would I be?” There are many options as to how this could read. I think the translators chose an appropriate phrase because the focus of the entire psalm is that when you have faith, fear will disappear. They leave the impression that David was at the point of succumbing to fear and ready to faint except that God gave him faith to believe in the goodness of God.

Fear is a common human condition. It grows from general dread and apprehension to severe dread and terror. It starts when we are children as we are afraid of the dark. It continues during the teen years as we become afraid of rejection, humiliation, and failure. It grows in adulthood as our lives are filled will all possible problems and dilemmas.

Lately, for me fear has been my nemesis, as I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma cancer in the fall of last year. What I had believed was simply a muscle strain in my back turned out to be much more serious. I became very apprehensive about my family, my future, my church, the pain, and even how others would view my disease. My fears would sometimes keep me awake at night. But like David I am learning to develop faith in the Word of God so that my fears will disappear.

David says in verse 1, “The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?” He could have just as well said, “What shall I fear?” In the dark times we simply need to focus on the sovereignty of God believing that he knows the path of our life. He is our light in a dark path. He also is our salvation or deliverer. If we feel surrounded by the enemy in a dark alley we can know that behind the scenes is our deliverer (And our deliverer is not a bumbling Barney Fife but a Chuck Norris-like Divine martial arts expert.) Praise the Lord!

If we believe this then we will see the goodness of God in the land of the living. Notice that we must believe to see, not see to believe. And the goodness of God is the guaranteed result. But what is the land of the living? It could be applied to this world in which we live now. In other words, those who walk in the faith of the goodness of God will in time see that goodness in this present life. I believe that. I just do not presume to tell God how that goodness should appear. But also, the land of the living applies to heaven- the home of those who are eternally alive. If we do not believe that God’s greatest goodness awaits us in heaven, we will never make it through the fearful circumstances of this life. If we believe we will see, and that faith that comes from a focus on God will make our fears disappear.

II. Patience
David readily admits in the passage that although he was living by faith, he was in a waiting mode as he was eagerly anticipating the goodness of God. When he wrote this the implication is that he had not seen the goodness of God yet. He says in verse 14 “Wait on the Lord…wait, I say, on the LORD.” James 1:3 says “…that the trying of your faith worketh patience.” God allows us to be put through trials of faith so that He can produce patience. There is no way to learn patience but to wait.
Do you remember those tests in school- Math with all the equations, English with all of the rules, and History will all of the dates? Just as with the school days in the school of the Christian life we must learn the material and pass the test to go on to new ground. This is the pattern for the course of our lives. In the process we are learning to wait on God’s goodness which is the perfecting virtue of Christ-likeness.

Faith and patience are inextricably linked. Look at Hebrews 11:1 which gives the definition of faith. It says that faith is “…the substance of things hoped for” (emphasis added). So there is an essential element of anticipation in true faith. It involves waiting for some future fulfillment of what you believe. To produce faith and patience then God will cause us to face some challenge that includes no visible sign of deliverance. The consummation of this testing experience is when we learn to accept the challenge with contentment believing that God’s deliverance and goodness will come in this life or in heaven.

This patience is not a passive submission but an active advancement in the face of the trial. It is not standing against the wind, but walking against the wind. That is one of the reasons that I am producing this sermon. It would be easy for me to sit at home and do nothing. But even in sickness there is always some productive activity for the kingdom that can be accomplished.

Listen to these two verses in Hebrews and notice the active mood in which they are written. Hebrews 6:12 says, “be… followers of them who by faith and patience inherit the promises” (emphasis added). Hebrews 10:36, “For you have need of patience,
that, after you have done the will of God you may receive the promise” (emphasis added). It is the false believer that falls away in the face of trial. It is the immature believer who resorts to unproductive worry and complaints. It is the ones who go forward in the face of trial to serve the Lord who find that their faith is real, vital, and growing. Patience is having its perfect work.

III. Courage
David says in verse 14 that if we wait on the Lord and have good courage, God will strengthen our hearts. So the natural result of faith and patience is a divinely ordained strengthening of our hearts- an ever growing courage.

Leonard Sweet gives this illustration: One tribe of Native Americans had a unique courage-building exercise for training their young braves. On the night of a boy’s thirteenth birthday, he was placed in a dense forest to spend the entire night alone. Until then he had never been away from the security of his family and tribe. But on this night he was blindfolded and taken miles away. When he took off the blindfold, he was in the middle of thick woods- by himself- all night long. Every time a twig snapped, he probably visualized a wild animal ready to pounce. Every time an animal howled, he imagined a wolf leaping out of the darkness. Every time the wind blew, he wondered what more sinister sound it masked. No doubt this could be a terrifying night for many.

After what seemed like an eternity, the first rays of sunlight entered into the exterior of the forest. Looking around, the boy saw flowers, trees, and the outline of a path. Then, to his utter astonishment, he beheld a figure of a man standing just a few feet away, armed with a bow and arrow. It was the boy’s father. He had been there all night long. (Citation from Soul Salsa: Zondervan 2000, pp. 23, 24.)

As David focused on the Lord his fears diminished and he was given a confidence in the powerful presence of God on his behalf. He was able to believe that after the dark night he would see the light of God’s protection, provision, and blessing. That is the essence of Christian courage.

Conclusion:
Faith plus patience equals courage. This sick pastor has been working with God to produce all three. Please pray for me as I continue this journey. I am praying for you as well.

In Everything Give Thanks

This has been a very difficult week for us on several levels. I had a day this week when I was very overwhelmed at everything going on and just felt like I was going to snap. Tim was having a terrible day and Mark was a very sick little boy. I had been up much of the night checking on both of them. I was very tired - I actually had a mini pity party and then had a melt down on the phone with my Mom. I was coming unglued and just needed something to help me pull myself together.

That afternoon, I received an e-mail with a devotional in it. The devotional talked about how Daniel prayed with thanksgiving as he entered the lion's den. It spoke of Jonah's prayer in the belly of the whale right before he was thrown up onto dry land. His prayer was full of thanksgiving. Philippians 4:6 tells us to pray with thanksgiving when we are anxious. The result of praying with thanksgiving is PEACE. Daniel had peace and survived the lion's den, Jonah received peace and went on to preach to the city of Ninevah....Philippians 4 tells us that after we pray with thanksgiving "the peace of God which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

So, after being reminded of these truths, I began to thank for God all He has done for us so far in this journey. I thanked Him for family and friends who have been there to support us and encourage us. I thanked Him that I have a family to care for. I thanked Him for my husband and how strong he has been through all of this. I also thanked Him for Who He is and for His faithfulness to us. It was only as I began to praise the Lord that I began to sense a calmness return to my spirit and my mind became restful. I didn't feel on the edge of the cliff anymore and I was able to go on and handle the rest of the trials of the day. Thanksgiving truly is the key to peace.

Later on, Mark threw up all over me, himself and our living room and I handled it with grace and dignity! Thank you, Lord, for your peace! :)
-Stacie

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stay on Thee..." Isaiah 26:3

Graduation Day

Congratulations!!!! Tim graduated from the stem cell transplant program today! He does not have to go back and forth to the hospital every day any more! He will have monthly visits with the transplant doctor and continue to be monitored by his regular oncologist. We hope to find out how well the stem cell transplant worked in about a month.

His white counts were much lower today, but that is expected, since he is no longer receiving a medication that helps boost the white blood cells. He is producing them on his own, so they are lower (about 2600 today), but over time they should continue to go up. He has had a couple of pretty rough days the last two days, so they gave him more fluids today to help rehydrate him. He is finding that little tasks rob him of any energy that he may have built up. It will just take time and patience to regain strength. We appreciate your prayers as he continues to recover. We are grateful for and overwhelmed by all of the cards, e-mails and phone calls we have received. We can't thank you enough and "...thank my God upon every remembrance of you." (Philippians 1:3)

A note about those who have cared for Tim over the last few weeks- it's hard to express how much we appreciate all of his nurses and caregivers at the Yale Smilow Cancer Hospital. Everyone was very professional, but also very kind and loving. They made sure that he was comfortable and well cared for every step of the way. Thank you to Dr. Cooper, Erin, Mary Ellen, Colleen, Lee, Wade, Barbara, and all the 7th floor staff of Dr. Cooper's office!

One other prayer request...Mark is now running a fever. He must have the virus that McKayla had last week. I will keep an eye on him and he will have to stay away from Tim until the fever is gone. McKayla's fever lasted 2 and 1/2 days, so I am anticipating the same from Mark. We go from one crisis to another around here... :)

Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow!

Well, the day after our post about no hair loss, Tim's hair began coming out. It was a little late, but 2 weeks to the day of his last dose of chemo, it happened. So this afternoon, Stacie took the clippers to his head and we had a mini "shave your head" party. Mark, our 5 year old, did not want to "be bald" as he said, so he opted out of it; but Matthew and Michael were brave and willing participants. Below are a few pictures from the event. Aren't they handsome!

I can't pass up the opportunity to share this one: Tonight when I was putting the kids to bed, I told Michael how proud I was of him for shaving his head for his dad. I told him that it was a very nice thing to do to show his dad how much he loved him and was concerened for him. Michael said he was glad to do it because now he doesn't have to comb his hair for a while!

Now, Michael and Mark share a room, so I looked at Mark and told him that it was okay that he didn't participate and that there were other ways he could show his dad that he loved him. However, I was curious as to why he didn't want to join in with the boys and shave his head, too. So, I asked him why he didn't participate. He looked at me with a very sad and somber expression and said, "Mom, I didn't want to go on the shiny side." Too funny, Mark!

Counts are on the way up

Tim's white blood counts have gone up - all the way to 4,000! His platelets are also being produced on their own, so he will not need any more transfusions. He is experiencing bone pain, but that pain is an indicator that he is producing bone marrow, so the pain is a good thing. His taste is coming back, but things still don't taste exactly as they should. That will improve over time. His nausea comes and goes, but it is decreasing in intensity. His energy level is still very low, and it will stay that way for a while.

The doctor and nurses are amazed at how well he has done. While it has been hard, God has been faithful and sustained Tim through the worst part of the treatment. Of course, we know that it is because we have 100's of people praying for him! We are so grateful that he did not have to be admitted to the hospital and that he was able to go through this at home where he could be comfortable. Now, he is in recovery mode. He will need to be careful because as he begins to feel better, he will have the tendency to over do. Tim is not one to sit still, but he will have to continue to rest and let his body completely heal from this ordeal. That will take several weeks. We have one more hospital visit on Wednesday and then if his levels look good, he will graduate from the transplant program. Then, he will have monthly visits for several months.

Many people have asked if Tim has lost his hair...Well, no he hasn't. There are a few friends that are waiting to have a shave your head party in support of Tim, but that hasn't been necessary. It has thinned a bit, but it has not come out like all the nurses said that it would. It may still in the next week or so, but we are amazed that so far, he still has most of his hair! :)

Stacie's parents are on their way back to Georgia. We can't say how much we appreciate all that they did for us while they were here. Dad repaired the washing machine, put in a new ceiling fan and light fixtures and even started organizing Tim's tool table for him. He can't sit still -hmm...like father, like son-in-law??? :) He also went to the hospital with Tim on several occasions to allow Stacie to stay home a few days during Tim's treatment. Mom did so much laundry- we lost count of how many loads she did. She had forgotten that when you have kids in your home, the laundry breeds itself. You can have it all done one day, and the next day, the basket is full and it needs to be done again. She also pulled Stacie away a few times to go shopping - very therapeutic! Anyway, we know that they are just plain worn out! They are retired and used to a quiet home. Being back in the business of family life can be stressful on grandparents, but they handled it with class...even daring to take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese' s one day. Now that's brave!!! We are sure they will take several days to recover from being here! We are so grateful to them - just wish we lived closer to each other.

Day +10

Yesterday, Tim's platelets were up so he didn't need to have a transfusion. His white blood count had started to inch up as well...all the way from 100 to 200! Today (Saturday), his platelets were really low - low enough that he should have had another transfusion, but because his white blood count had come up even more (up to 700), the doctor wanted to see how well his body would produce platelets on its own. So he will be tested again tomorrow and if they are still low, he will receive another transfusion. The doctor said that all of his levels will go up and down for a few days until they begin to steadily climb sometime in the coming week.

Tim is definitely feeling better and coming out of the lowest part of the treatment. He still tires easily, but has had two pretty good days. He is beginning to get his taste back. Not everything tastes like it should, but things are improving, so he is eating better. He still has to be careful about being in crowds for a while. His immune system has been destroyed with this treatment, so he needs to be very careful until it has completely rebuilt itself.

McKayla ran a fever again yesterday and her appetite has not been good, but today, her fever broke and she has been back to her perky self. She still doesn't have her appetite back, but she is doing better. The kids have had a few melt downs this week...just having a hard time dealing with things, but they are doing well considering all that is going on. We appreciate your prayers for them. So far, no one else has come down with a fever.

Day +8

Tim's platelet count was low enough again today that he had to receive another transfusion and was not feeling well this afternoon. Tonight, he seems to be a little better - enjoying the last game of the NBA finals. He hasn't been sleeping well the last few nights, so we are praying for a good night's sleep tonight. Two more days until Day +10 ...that is the day Tim's levels should begin to start inching up and he should begin to turn the corner.

Please pray for our daughter, McKayla. She woke up this morning running a fever and complaining of a headache and stomach ache. As the day went on, her fever kept going higher, so I took her to the pediatrician. She seems to have a virus - there is no ear infection or strep. Her fever finally came down tonight before I put her to bed, but she is still not feeling well. We have already been keeping the kids at a distance from Tim, but of course, we are concerned that he doesn't get this virus. It would be very serious if he started running a fever. We are also concerned about the rest of the kids (or me) coming down with it. Please pray that this is just a quick 24-hour bug and will not go through the whole family!

Details

This post is for those of you who like details. Each morning when we arrive at the hospital, Tim receives IV fluids to keep from dehydration, antibiotics to keep from infection and has his blood drawn and sent to the lab. At the lab, they check several things in his blood: his red blood cell count, his white blood cell count, his platelet count and more. Because of the chemo, his white blood cells are expected to fall very low. Typically, your white blood count is between 5,000 and 10,000. Today, his white blood count was 100 -yes, 100. This is why he is at such a risk for infection and must be very careful where he goes and who he is around. His platelets which help with clotting were at 19 today - they should be around 150. So he had to receive a transfusion of platelets this morning. His blood pressure was also very low today, so they monitored that closely. As he received extra IV fluids, his blood pressure came up and stabilized.

Needless to say, Tim is very weak as a result of what is happening in his blood and gets tired just sitting up talking for any length of time. He is at a very difficult point in the treatment because of how awful he feels. He is not in any pain, but he is nauseated, and experiencing several other side effects, especially severe fatigue. The doctor says that he should start turning the corner by day 10 which is Saturday. This is when the side effects of the chemo will begin to subside a bit and the stem cells that he received last week will begin to engraft. He is very much looking forward to Saturday!

My mom and dad have been a huge help since they have been here. Daddy and I have been taking turns driving Tim to the hospital and sitting with him each day. I am blessed that my dad and my husband respect each other so much and have such a good relationship, so my dad doesn't mind going. Mom is helping with laundry, food, and keeping the kids entertained on the days that I am at the hospital. I am so grateful that they are here. I couldn't do this without them. And we couldn't do this without your prayers, so we thank you for each prayer that is lifted up for us.

Missing Church

Today has been a difficult day - for the first time since he was diagnosed with cancer, Tim missed church. God has given him divine stamina and he has been able to continue to study and preach through all of his treatments. It has been amazing to see how much strength he has and it has been a testimony to many people. There were days when I didn't think he should be preaching - I knew he didn't feel well - but he would preach anyway and those days were some of his best sermons! Two Sundays ago, he was at church, but unable to preach and now today, he was not there at all.

It was very strange to get up and go the hospital instead of go to church. Needless to say, Tim greatly missed preaching and worshipping with our church family this morning. There were several other people in the treatment room with us at the hospital today who were hooked up to IV's, so I told Tim that he had a captive audience and that he could just start preaching to them ...they would have to listen! He probably would have if he hadn't been so weak! :)

It has been a privilege to be able to witness to several of those who are on the treatment team. When one of his nurses found out that we are born again Christians, she said, "Oh, that explains it! Now I understand why you both are at such peace through all of this." We were able to share how the Lord is our Rock and our Strength and it is only through His work in our hearts that His peace can be seen in difficult times. We pray that we will continue to be a witness for Him.

Tim is weak and cannot taste his food. He says that he tastes the texture of food, but not the actual taste and that makes it hard to eat. He has been forcing himself to eat small portions, but it's not easy. He was able to sit up for a short time this evening, but he gets tired very quickly and has to go back to bed. His blood counts continue to drop, which means he is feeling weaker and weaker, but that is to be expected. The treatment is going exactly as the doctor had said it would, so even though it is hard, it is encouraging to know he is responding the way he should. Thank you for your prayers on Tim's behalf.

Friday, June 11

There is not much news tonight: Tim received an IV drip today to make sure that he stays hydrated. He will receive this IV everyday for the next 2 weeks. He is experiencing severe fatigue and loss of taste, which makes it hard for him to eat.

There is more of the same on the schedule for tomorrow - a visit to the hospital that lasts 4-6 hours to receive fluids and be monitored...then home to rest and sleep. Stacie's dad will go with Tim tomorrow so that Stacie can stay with the kids and get caught up on a few things at home. Aunt Fran (a brave lady in our church) came and took all four of the kids out today for an afternoon of miniture golf and Dairy Queen and gave Grandma and Grandpa Ashmore some quiet time. They had a blast and love Aunt Fran!

We have officially hired Matt Fitch to be our assistant pastor, so Matt and Julie are here this weekend to search for a place to live. They will be moving to Connecticut the first of August to begin serving at CBC. We are so thrilled that God led us together and are looking forward to having them as a part of our CBC family. Matt will be preaching on Sunday in Tim's place.

Home Sweet Home

Today, the stem cell reinfusion was completed. The stem cells that were collected from Tim two weeks ago were placed back into his body. He welcomed them home as they were entering his arm this morning! They are now on their way to planting themselves back into his body and rebuilding his bone marrow that was killed by the chemo. Home sweet home, little cells. :) It will take about 10 days for the bone marrow to begin to rebuild; so between now and then, he is at very high risk for infection, fever, etc., and we have to watch him closely.


He is beginning to feel the effects of the chemo that he received over the last two days...mainly fatigue and a bit of a decreased appetite. We have the day off from any doctor's appointments tomorrow so he will be resting much of the day, and then Friday he will go back to the hospital to be checked, and if necessary receive any fluids or medications that he might need. That will be our routine for the next two weeks. Some rough days are ahead. Thank you for praying.

Day -2 and Counting

Today was a long day for us... we arrived at the hospital around 7:45 in the morning and finally got back home around 4:00 this afternoon. There was a lot that had to be done before Tim could actually begin the chemotherapy. He had a PICC line inserted into his arm. This is just a tiny catheter inserted into his arm which allows the nurses to draw blood and give the medications he needs without poking him with so many needles. He will have to have blood work done for the next 15 days, so he was glad that they gave him this device. However, the procedure took a long time and then we had to wait for the test results after the line was inserted to be sure it was functioning properly before they could use it. (This may be more information than some would like to know, but others of you are into the details, so...we will include some of them.) Then, there was concern because his white blood counts were very low; the treatment team had to locate the doctor overseeing the transplant to make sure that it was okay to begin the chemo. We waited patiently as they determined whether or not he should start the chemo. Finally, the word came that he should go ahead.

We were both pretty anxious as the time came near for the actual chemo drug to start dripping into his body. We have been given so much information on the side effects and what to expect over the next several weeks, it is a bit unnerving. We have really had to just rest in the Lord these last few days and trust that He will take care of Tim. We have been blessed to recently hear sermons on trusting in the Lord and resting in the Lord. Last Sunday, Pastor Aspray from Rhode Island preached on Proverbs 3:5 & 6. It was a great encouragement to be reminded that even when we don't understand what is happening in our lives, we are to be prepared to go wherever He leads us and not rely on our own faulty wisdom. We can trust that He knows what is best for us and in the end, we will be able to look back and see that His way was the perfect way.

Yesterday, Pastor Jeremy Rowland from Baptist Church Planting Ministry spoke in our Adult Bible Class. He spoke on the passage from Psalm 46:10 that says, "Be still and know that I am God." It was a great reminder to us that God is in control and we are to let go and release our fears into His hands. God is our refuge - our place of retreat where we receive comfort and strength to go on in the middle of trials. We are so grateful that we have a God Who is faithful to us and calls us to run to Him and rest in Him so that we might receive the grace to continue in the path He has for us.

Tim is pretty tired tonight, and experiencing mild side effects of one of the medications he received today, but he is in good spirits. Thank you for the e-mails and cards many of you have sent in the last week. We truly appreciate each prayer that is offered up on our behalf.

Good News!

This morning, we met with the doctor who is overseeing Tim's transplant and he informed us that the stem cells that were collected last week are okay - there is no infection and no need to go through another collection process. Praise the Lord for that! So, we are all set to proceed with the plan. Monday morning, June 7, Tim will receive his first round of high dose chemo and then another round on Tuesday. He should begin to feel the side effects of the chemo by the end of next week. This Sunday, June 6, is his last day to preach at CBC for a while. It should be a pretty emotional service for all of us!

The kids are having a blast in Pennsylvania! They have been very active this week and full of stories about what they have been doing. Mom and Dad have enjoyed our quiet time, but we are ready to have some noise back in the house. Stacie will be driving to meet Sheryl at a half way point tomorrow to pick up the kids. I'm sure Grandma Zac and Aunt Sheryl will return home and sleep for the next week!!!